I know, I know - you think I am crazy. Even though I was not exactly Ivy League material when it came to gathering nuts, you were still kind enough to keep a spot for me in the family firm. I know how hard you worked over the years to build up "Lee's Luxury Nuts of Lawrence Park" to the point where it is now the biggest seller of winter nuts in Toronto. Thousands of squirrels would die (actually have died thanks to those brutal Black Crows - shudder!) for a spot at your firm. Whereas I had the path to partnership laid out on a branch for me.
Well so far things have worked out ok. Here's a picture of me enjoying Sunday Brunch courtesy of a guest, at the slightly eccentric Hotel Aranjuez in San Jose:
This hotel is not as fancy as the ones that you like to slip into, but it has its own charms.
The confusing layout is due to the fact that the owners keep buying up their next door neighbors' houses and incorporating them into the hotel. The fact that there is no real divide between the garden and the rooms, makes it easy for me to get around.
Because I get fed so much at breakfast, I can spend the nights doing my favorite thing - people watching. Seeing them arrive from the airport is the best bit. Always the same thing. They buzz the door but are reluctant to let the taxi driver go, because they are not really sure whether this place in a dark back alley of San Jose, is the nice hotel they booked online. The receptionist however speaks perfect English, and reassures them yes, they are at the right place, and yes, they do have a reservation.
Then comes the bit about how the taxi driver drove them in circles all over San Jose looking for the hotel. The guy behind the counter rolls his eyes in a knowing way. He circles his finger to mimic the action of the taxi's meter machine racking upwards, and mutters to himself "sí....están locos como un zorro". My Spanish still isn't great, but I think it means that the drivers are about as dumb as that fox who ate my brother Bill in the playground in the ravine last summer. Five minutes later the guest comes back with an empty water jug, asking for some drinking water. The receptionist assures them that the tap water is safe to drink, but I can see they are not convinced, judging by the way they fish out their phone to Google "drinking the water in Costa Rica".
I know you were too busy getting your winter nut business going, ever to pay much attention to Geography class. With the help of an old English guy who talks with a strangely affected Australian accent (maybe he dreams of being a latter day Crocodile Dundee?) I have pasted in a map so that you can see where Costa Rica is:
Getting here was a blast - literally. Here's a picture of the van that I hitched a ride in:
The owners (dreadlocks, prayer wheels, pajama pants - you get the picture) were very nice. I now know why they call the van "The Mystery Machine". The mystery to me is how we ever got down here. I have never been so baked in my life, as I was from all that second hand pot smoke.
We had a great time in Baja California, which is in Mexico next to California - I know, this geography business is as confusing as shit. Well wherever it was, the surfing was great. I could not believe it - I took to it way better than those ducklings in the municipal ponds every spring:
If I am going to be honest, it has not all been nuts and parties. Or at least the only nuts were the Alsatian guard dogs at every border crossing. Our van just seemed to drive the dogs crazy. They growled and sniffed around every inch. I think the only thing that saved me was the fact that the van was such a mess, and smelled so awful, that the boarder guards just wanted to move on. I still have nightmares. I wake up in a cold sweat, at the point where slobbering massive jaws are just about to eat me whole.
San Jose itself is ok. It kind of reminds me of how I would hear people at summer picnics talking about IKEA - nothing wrong with it - just not that inspiring.
I know Lee, that in your Libertarian heart, you like to know where everybody stands politically. Well to be honest, I think you would be a bit confused by San Jose. For starters it would probably drive you crazy that all this drinkable water, is pushing the local Coca Cola bottling plant out of business. I know - yet another example of the Nanny State interfering with the natural order of things. I have to admit Lee, that you have a point. This place is weird. The streets are swept. Garbage is placed in bins. Empty plastic bottles are not strewn all over the place. It just does not feel natural.
On the other hand you might draw comfort from the fact that the main park has a statue commemorating that lovable old Scottish Robber Barron, Andrew Carnegie.
Likewise there is a piece of Berlin Wall preserved behind bars at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs - like I say all very confusing.
One thing that isn't confusing is the whole masculine feminine thing. Back in Toronto, I used to look down and kind of reflexively infer that I was a guy. But oh no, life in Canada ain't that simple! Maybe I had just been unwittingly subjected to conditioning by the Patriarchy? Could I hand on heart, honestly claim to be a "sisgendered squirrel"?
Here in San Jose everything is much more straight forward:
Lee, I am not sure when (or how!) I will get back. Sometimes I am homesick when I think of you lording it over Lawrence Park's famous "Rarefied Ravines of Requited Dreams". Whenever this happens, I just remind myself of the hours in winter, that you have to spend, just to unfreeze a couple of nuts off the winter stash.
Thinking of you, as always,
Stuart,
P.S.
Please don't show this letter to your kids. My life sounds fun, but it's really not a good idea. I would not want them getting any ideas.
Hahaha I LOVE THIS!! Xx
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